How Am I Doing?

I am constantly asked, "How are you doing?". It is so difficult to answer. Everyone who I have seen this week has said, "How Are You?" I'm pleased that people are asking, it means that they care, to let them in my house I know I can trust them to take what I say as the truth. They are asking because they want to know, they are maybe noticing a difference and want me to confirm it!
As someone who has been ill for so long I have never been able to say what I do now. Always I said, I'm coping, I'm surviving, I'm happy. But maybe not really believe it myself- it was more a defence mechanism to avoid the cold, hard truth. I knew I should be feeling those things and sometimes I was, but it was so hard to force myself into that frame of mind. After all, I was ill, never to recover unless some miracle came about in immune system research 10 or 15 years down the line. I had always imagined that recovery was a long way off; out of my reach and my doctors agreed.

So how am I?
I am believing in recovery. I am feeling good about myself. I am happy. My husband is very supportive and I can bounce ideas back and forth with him. The internet has given me so much, some websites are ideal for printing off the text to read later, in a larger font size. Also I now have a list of books to read. These biographies and self-help books (yes I admit it I am reading self-help books!- I never imagined I would go there!) are ideal reading with my concentration and memory. They give me a chance to dip in and out, I have different books for different occasions, suitable for different levels of tiredness. They might each take me a few months, but the intention and confidence is there.
Physically, moving around and daily living, I have improved slightly over the last three months. Looking back six months I am improved very much. I am getting dressed every day, even for just a few hours. 3-4 days a week into yoga pants and top with cardigan, other days into comfortable linen trousers or skirt to leave the house (this is obviously a lot easier now that the weather has improved and I need less thought about layers all over my body!).  I can help around the house a little, I'm finding ways around using the kitchen, gadgets and pre-prepared food from the shops. A  bag of chopped salmon out of the freezer thrown in the frying pan with cherry tomatoes, left for a few minutes before turning over, then served with a ready to eat bag of salad is plain, but tasty, slightly more expensive than organising it from scratch, but it means I can actually achieve the ambition of fending for myself. I am focusing on pastimes that I enjoy. Knitting a little, 3 or 4 times a week if my arms let me. Using the internet to bombard my knowledge with extra tips on recovery. Yoga and meditation. Sitting in the garden, with or without a magazine or book. I talk to friends on the phone somedays, I can talk to my Mum for an hour, also my sister. I am myself with them and have to make no compromises. A couple of my friends are like that too and I can find that really helpful for 20 minutes. I am usually in bed most afternoons if the garden isn't warm enough(or it's pouring with rain!). Every day I am usually able to find what my body wants and answer the suggestion, without frustration and I am noticing little things saying "you're doing the right thing".