Sunday 20 May 2012

Smiling

I am smiling all over my face. Yesterday I found a new place. (hey-they rhyme!)
That new place is belief. Trust that I AM doing the right thing. This specialist is helping me down the right path. His ideas aren't just looney tunes.
For weeks I have been doubting, wondering if it all is a waste of money, a scam to take me only so far- just like I've taken myself in the past. 'why do I need his help, he is no different to any other ME Specialist' I have been thinking.
The difference yesterday was that I found more and more websites, more and more patient recovery stories that have used this path and very similar ones too. I also see my symptoms and reactions to these symptoms, being different.
The basic principle is that this first massive trauma, which for me was the serious virus, has an affect on the body almost like a physical PTSD. I don't have visions of when I was initially ill with that virus, neither do I particularly worry about being ill now. The unconscious brain is battling inside of me. It has PTSD. My flight and fight systems have been on red alert, DefCon 1, for the last 24 years and I had no idea. I knew that when I was quiet, when I had no responsibilities I felt better able to cope with everyday life. Surely everyone feels that? But inside me by immune system, adrenal glands, central nervous system, everything connected to automatic stress responses was over-reacting to everything. It sounds totally looney. How can anyone be in this state and not know it? Because we don't know it. It is inside. It is totally physiological. Telling any sufferer that "it is all in your head" is the worst thing you can do for an ME patient-it just makes us feel even more hopeless-do you really think we've not tried that path? So the issue now is that this is in my automatic nervous system and the unconscious brain's decisions to set it off; my brain has been telling me to keep fighting, keep fleeing, but having no idea about it doing this is the illness, is the problem. This has caused physiological damage to so many parts of my body, all the way down to the core. All the symptoms can be attributed to other issues.
Light headedness, poor body temperature regulation= low blood pressure: Diagnosed, live with it.
Aching muscles, delayed muscle exhaustion= mitochondrial dysfunction:
Diagnosed, live with it.
The list goes on and on. If the local GP, even NHS ME specialists and complementary therapists say, "Oh well, yes, you've got all these symptoms: diagnosed, live with it" you're not going to get very far on the ladder of ME Recovery.
So I am seeing improvement, by following this principle and the tools which can help retrain the nervous system, for the last two months I am becoming a different person. As ever it is slow, I need patience and as I have been ill for so many years it might take a few years still to see a significant recovery, but I know I can get better, I know I am climbing the ladder. I would smile all over my face before I started this programme and I have another new reason to do this now!

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